In this week’s devotional, we are supposed to write down everything that is weighing us down, holding us back, what fears or past hurts or anxieties affect your ability to step forward.
I’ve been pretty down about the fact that all my friends have someone they are in a relationship with. Someone they can talk to and text for hours on end, including when I am with them. This particularly annoys me because while I am happy you get to be happy with someone, I am still here. I am still making plans to hang out and communicate and I am being ignored. This is where my mom would say I am jealous, which irritates me to no extent. Being jealous is wanting what you don’t have that someone else does and while I would love to have a boyfriend or fiance, I am not jealous because while I hate to admit it, I know right now God has other plans for me. I am not jealous, I am
Being jealous is wanting what you don’t have that someone else does and while I would love to have a boyfriend or fiance, I am not jealous because while I hate to admit it, I know right now God has other plans for me. I am not jealous, I am
I am not jealous, I am hurt. I am hurt that when I am with you, you spend 90% of our time texting him. I am hurt that when I call you to make plans, you have already made plans with him even though you are with him every single day. I am hurt that when I need someone to talk to I can’t depend on calling you because he is always with you. I am hurt because I keep spending birthdays and weekends alone because all my friends have boyfriends and can’t seem to make any other plans with me except on a weekday or when it’s convenient for them.
While I would be lying if I said I have never blown off any of them for a boy, I still made time to talk and make plans and I think that’s the difference. They have ALWAYS had someone there. They almost don’t know how to be alone.
Another thing that I would like to touch on is this guy. The real kicker. The kicker that has been kicking me in the gut for almost two years and every time I fall back in his trap that he doesn’t realize he is setting or does he? This guy is the pure image of a guy I would take home to my parents, or so I thought. While at first, he seemed like such a down to earth guy, a Christian, loves his family, he is broken. And a broken girl can’t fix a really broken guy, no matter how hard I tried. You see I had this image of him that I didn’t want to let go of and kept shoving all the things that he really was out of the window. I shouldn’t always be being dinner when we go out, I shouldn’t be getting, “you up?” texts late at night so he could come over and mess with my feelings, even though I still let him. I shouldn’t be getting the, “we have already made plans, but I am going to have to rain check instead” texts. He is a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but maybe I was so blinded by who I wanted him to be, I didn’t see who he really was. God is working in his life and fixing him, and I know right now I am just not meant to be a part of it especially when I know I need to be fixed too.
My past is my past. I can say that even though it has been years since some things have occurred, I can never really heal from it because I can’t let go. I can’t let go of being cheated on and having my heart broken. I can’t let go of hearing my phone ring for a voicemail saying you were leaving and this was goodbye. I can’t let go of my anxiety and it holds me back so damn much, it is destroying me and my health.
It’s time to let go.
It’s time to be healed, don’t I deserve that? To feel clean and new and loved by Christ? To wake up every day and love every day and everyone in it? That’s what I want.
So I am letting go: of him, of being hurt from friends who don’t notice, and over my past and all the anger and hurt I have built up. I am letting go.